Help
And here is what three weeks of pure torture looks like in lyric form for Brian and I. Hope you enjoy:
DID WE JUMP THE SHARK TONIGHT
I can see what's happening.
What?
And they don't have clue.
Who?
They'll do an X-Cast musical episode, and their subscribers drop to two.
Oh.
The completely awful singing
Bad X-Men references everywhere
And in this special fiftieth episode
Disaster's in the air.
Will we jump the shark tonight
It seems extremely clear
To make it through, this musical episode
Best grab a-noth-er beeeeer....
CAN WE CALL IT A NIGHT
Welcome to…Our X-Men podcast
10 Seconds In, time to say something crass
My name is Brian, I'm your host and emcee
And my name's Rob, I drink like Banshee
This whole day, is in disarray
Uh-oh, Is it too late for Re-Writes?
Tell me more, tell me more
This is way too bizarre
Tell me more, tell me more,
Can Nefaria star?
Rob likes Emma, I think she's a tramp
If you ask Brian, Cypher is champ
I like to think, that we are profound
That's just not true, you know it deep down
Its come undone, and we've just begun
Uh-oh, Can we call it a night?
Tell me more, tell me more,
Damn, this just isn't right
Tell me more, tell me more,
Kinda crushing on Sprite…
So what if I dress up like Arcade?
And you wonder why you never get laid?
The things I say, sometimes they're a shock
My co-host's on the chopping block
That's what I bring, A shot and a zing…
Uh oh, looks like I started a fight….
Tell me more, tell me more,
I did not read this mag…
Tell me more, tell me more,
Colossus Rob wants to Shag!
I know nothing about the X-band
And I can't sing, hope you all understand…
It was this or stick with the routine…
It sounded good, back in show fifteen
Total defeat, Our fall is complete
Uh oh can we call it a night?
Tell me more, tell me more,
X-Men talk we transcend
Tell me more, tell me more,
That's why our shows never end.
Fans turn colder, where are our friends?
Why did we do this, I can't comprehend?
Its too late, ahead we must plow…
May as well go ahead with it now…
Tear It Up! Ripped at the seams,
Uhhhhh, Can we call it a night???????
DCBS
Colossus:
Oh Katya
You went and you died on a spaceship
Leaving me all alone
Oh Katya
You left me a dumb purple dragon
And no woman for shaggin
Oh Katya
Linguini:
When reviews make you cry
You know it's Rob and Bri
That's the Xcast
Count Nefaria:
I was working in my lab late one night
When on my victim I saw a dreadful site
From where I stood, I heard his cries
And suddenly to my surprise
He spent much cash!
On his LCS stash
He spent much cash
Young man, why are comics so much
I said young man, how'd I spent fifty bucks?
I said young man, can't afford anymore
There's no need to be unhappy
Young man, there's a place you can go
I said young man, when you're needing some more
You can shop there, and I'm sure you will find
All your co-mics at low pri-ces...
D-C-B-Service-dotCom
That's why we're shoppin at DCBS
That's why we're shoppin at DCBS
They give 40 percent off major publishers
Which means you can buy twice as much
That's why we're shoppin at DCBS
That's why we're shoppin at DCBS
Shipping's five ninety five, for comics to your door
They'll make you dump your comic store
X-MEN FIRST CLASS
Start printing issues
Stories of yesterday....
An all new continuity, X-Men First Class...
These brand new issues..
Great art by R. Cruz...
Jeff Parker slinging one liners..
X-Men First Class...
I don't want to wake up
To a pullbox full of these..
Oh Kingdom Comics would you leave them out please..
The first sixty six..
Just weren't bad enough...
Why make a brand new start of it..
X-Men First Class...
Marvel stole my... thirty bucks..
They can suck ... my long box...
It's up to you X-Men First Class....
X-Men... FIIIIRST Class...
I want to wake up to more stories that have no point..
And find Gorilla Man's here...
Zelda is back...
Angel is banging...
The Scarlet Wittcchhh...
These brand new issues....
I'll sell on ebay....
Unless they bring back Mammamox...
I'm done... with thisssss....
If I had to choose between this and X-Calibur,
I'd take a bullet like Cypher..
Just not to read... X-Men: First Class!
First Classssssss!
ON SHELVES NOW
On Shelves Now..
Pretending that I give a shit...
Chances Are...
I'll divorce him in the morning...
At night, I hear them all around me
And when the baby cries, I sit and sigh and curse the Xmen
In the mansion
Of my next husband's huge estate
No podcasts or comics to be found here
In the quiet, I call Laura and tell her
There's closet space with no drawer box and plenty of guest bedrooms
Uncanny X-Cast
When will your time be over
Please be gone
And give me back my husband
Without it, I'd Retro Review my marriage
No Mike Carey or Skottie Young or Cherry Poptart stories...
I love him
But when the show is over
He is gone
From drinking too much whiskey
Without it, there'd be no more White Queen roleplay
And Chris and Connor and my son would get more time with Daddy
I love him
But every night I'm lonely
All these months of god forsaken editing
Without me, they'd have no classic bumpers
And forum threads would pop up and complain that I was goooone...
The X-Cast...
The X-Cast...
The X-Cast...
When is my On Shelves Now....
SCENES FROM THE MARVEL BULLPEN
A Wolverine fight, a reprint we've read
Perhaps a retconned origin instead
We'll spend an extra 20 bucks
Filling up our storage space
You and I, big disgrace
A reprint we've read, a Wolverine fight
All just to see who rules the Shi'ar tonight
We're buying issues we don't want
While Marvel's toasting in restaurants
BRIAN
Things are okay with Wade these days
He got a new job, wears a cute bear suit
fights off some skrulls, I don't get the hype
though the art is just fine
He lost charm long ago
His appeal, I just don't know
Why is he running around singing a song about limes?
I remember those days hanging out with the X-Force team
Mercenary 'tude, spidey-mask, just stealing the scene
Mocks the fourth wall, I'm gonna need some more caffeine
As I read, with spite,
Rob Leifeld's lasting X-book Blight
ROB
No-Name goes missing the kids are all wishing
The Xmen weren't all dead and gone
Blackbird flying around til NoName is found and the Shockriders are gone
Everything coming up roses
The Dark Xmen show up in scary poses
And I never knew I could care less about something in life
Clearly Claremont's best work stopped around nineteen eight five
BRIAN
Orphan-Maker and Nanny show up in an X-book for the first time since 95
And they decide to kidnap mutant parents but it goes awry
Everyone knows Wolvie's crazy
Trance has a cool power but comes off lazy
Wolvie wastes time telling her the ways to end his life
Whoah.... And there we were learnin' how can Wolverine go goodbye.
ROB
Mags was building watches while crushing on Magda
Under a Reich preying on fears
Tossed a javelin further than all his friends
Won a medal despite teachers sneers
Students started to fight he's a Jew they'd indict
The worst beating Mags would have for years
BRIAN
Layla's lived for a while in a mostly hostile
Future camp; mutants they apprehend
She fools the guard force and escapes of course
Then meets Ruby Summers, her new friend
Mutants rebel next scene, Scott's a machine
And Layla can never get back home again
ROB
Jean Grey and Annie were walking until one got hit by a car and she died
Jean lived with the guilt which over time had built
Til Xavier said Jean you're alive
She couldn't go back to the Grey home
The best she could do was to move to the mansion
Save a kid from a truck turn to Phoenix and live out her life
Oooh.... That's all I heard til Scott and Jean go steady
Can't tell you more than I told you already
And here we are reading about an Xman who has died
A reprint we've read, a Wolverine fight
All just to see who rules the Shi'ar tonight
We're buying issues we don't want
While Marvel's toasting in restaurants
BLAST THE DUDES
This here's a tale 'bout Scott "Slim" Summers
One of the X-Men team's Top Gunners
Shoots Eye Beams that are strong as Thunder
How can he see? That I wonder…
Ok…Daddy, he was a pilot
And in a real depressing little subplot
Scott and his bro were thrown out of a plane
Only one 'chute, the fall damaged Scott's brain..
Next he moves to…high class mansion
Leads the X-Men team until expansion
Gets a visor made of ruby quartz
When he blasts you in the face, it really hurts
A girl starts thinking, Warren's winking
Scott moves in, starts up a psychic linking
She says she wants to date cuz she likes his groove
Now come on Cyclops, just blast the dudes
Leads the missions, and he's wishin'
someone could cure his optical condition
Finds bad guys in all the wrong places
Blob and Toad - just ugly faces
Next his girlfriend's dark inclination
Is to become a slut and leave the situation
But even Dark Phoenix has a lighter side
Even so for Mastermind, Scott is denied
Shi'Ar are crowing... so he's going
Into outer space where the moon isn't glowing
Imperial Guard wants to Kill Jean Grey
Scott and the X-Men say "No Way!
Jean's dressed in green and yellow, she says "Hello,
Come fight next to me you fine fellow"
Scott runs over there without a second to lose
Now come on Cyclops, just blast the dudes
Just blast the dudes
With no Jean Grey, Scott breaks A-Way
Leaves the team, gets shipwrecked in the bay
meets a redhead who can fly a plane
Ask her if she's Jean Grey, and she says "no way"
Girl is fakin' ... goodness sakin'
She's the Goblin Queen and Scott is forsaken
Got no wife, but he has a son
Though the kid is ditched in the long run
Jean's back from the dead... resurrected
They start X-Factor in a new plot thread
From the Mutant Massacre to Apocalypse
Their new headquarters is just called "Ship"
Limbos' demons are rolling... Sinister's cloning
He ran the orphanage where Scott was enrolling
Fight the Shadow King and that era concludes
So don't just stand there, blast the dudes!
(break down)
No longer wary, to the contrary,
Finally its Jean he's gonna marry
Cable is really Scott's son Nathan
But in the ceremony, his bro's the best man
Nate is attacked... 'Pocalypse is back
Merges with Scott's mind; turns him into a quack
Jean becomes Phoenix and Scott seems lost
'Til he starts having sex with Emma Frost
So Scott starts thinkin, was Professor X drinkin'
when he lied about Scott's little brother Vulcan
He and Emma decide to move the whole pack
so they head to the city with the streetcar tracks
San Fran's thumping, Toad keeps jumping
Scott and Emma Frost just continue humping
Here comes Magneto with something to prove
Now you know what to do Cyke, blast the dude
MUTIES WE WERE BORN TO RUN
On that day we fought it out with Magneto was our first day as a team
That night we rode to Westchester to pursue Charles Xavier's dream
The Vanisher commits bank crime
Blob found, mindwiped, after saying maybe another time
Oooh.. SubMariners thinks Wanda's got a nice rack
Toads a sad sack, Asteroid M's just cracked
We can't hurt Unus without Beast's gun
With genes like ours, mutants we were born to run... yes Beast we were
Xavier lost his legs fighting Lucifer
Then we got stuck in the Savage Land
Watch Trask build robots who are killing machines
oh crap Mimic is Calvin Rankin
Blowup library is Mekano's plan
We'll fight til we laugh, verse Porcupine and Plantman
Oooh.. Bernard's words are truly inspired
Cause Jeany, Scott and Warren both want your desire
Coffee A-GoGo and Frankestein's real
Xavier dies and then comes backs
Then we get reprints for over five years... five fucking years
Beware Computo!
A living island in Giant Sized, and Nefaria kills John Proudstar
Jean saves the day then turns into the Phoenix
And Xavier dreams of the Shi'ar
The Leprechauns fight against Black Tom
Wolverine and Mariko have kissed
Team dies in a volcano things are bleak tonight
And oh man is Alpha Flight pissed!
Cerebro's jammed with broken villains and Moira's son Proteus has died
Mastermind's in Jean's head tonight
and the X-Men have recruited Kitty Pryde
Together Wendigo, Scott can recount the sadness
Of his love who died to kill Phoenix and save us all
Oooh Days of Future Past begins
We're gonna kill the brood race
Morlock's really wanna come up and walk in the sun
Hey guys it's Rogue! Don't touch us! Muties we were born to run
New Mutants, come join us! Muties we were born to run
Kitty dumped by Colossus! Muties we were born to run...
Forge depowered Ororooooo
Doooouggh Ra-ha ha hamsey...
TOP 5 REASONS
Number 5
X-Men Stats and information always intact.
They research their facts to keep themselves on track
Alright, who I’m kidding, they just making some noise
There X-Men facts are worse than Count Nefaria’s boys
Number 4
They some real men, some real down dudes,
They some riders of the storm, you stepped to them and you screwed.
Wait, a homie, never heard dat before.
Manga Girl got Rob nervous in the comic book store.
Number 3
B and R r transparent, they let us in their lives.
They talking about baseball, their kids and their wives
But a little nerdy, college walls in X-Men art,
To a weird obsession with a pornographic pop tart
Number 2
They’re minds are focused man, there eyes are on the clock
If these fools stay on an X-Men topic I’m shocked.
Number 1
Come to think of it listening is absurd
But it’s the best freaking podcast that I ever heard.
CHERRY POPTART YOU LOVE
I should do this alone, your jokes make me groan
Your retros make my head hurt
I think you suck too, and I step out of the room
When Inside the Mansion starts
You like Skottie Young's art, though it just falls apart
Please no more about GI Joe
You would make me believe, that it's a beautiful sun
When a nuclear bomb has blown (a bomb has blown)
Cherry Pop-Tart you love, yet you're so lost in the X-world
Why do you go on about Mammomax for so long?
You wrote Paradox, you love Douglas Ramsey
Bachalo is great, please admit that you were so wrong
Bama's full of hicks yet you've made it your home
You worry about cats' civil rights
You move twice a week, and hide that you're a geek
No wonder that we have all these fights
You dont read comics, unless its on a screen now
Digital will never take off
Better to read them online, then pay 3.99
Marvel I'm kidding about this stuff, will they call my bluff....
Cherry Pop-Tart you love, yet you're so lost in the X-world
Why do you go on about Mammomax for so long?
You wrote Paradox, you love Douglas Ramsey
Bachalo is great, please admit that you were so wrong
Ooh, the count is a vampire...
The count is a muppet.
The count hangs with bats...
The count just likes to count
You've got no clue, I have to read these books to you…
You missed the whole plot, when we read Nova Roma…
Stop yelling at me, why don't you just leave me
To walk to my death, in a bad part of Boston...
Cherry Pop-Tart you love, yet you're so lost in the X-world
Why do you go on about Mammomax for so long?
You wrote Paradox, you love Douglas Ramsey
Bachalo is great, please admit that you were so wrong
You mess up X-names, you say Wendeeeeego
I have nightmares about, your Jean Grey orgasm…
I'm all out of love, for your damn softball stories
Congrats on your win, is just fucking sarcasm
You read books on the john, man those things must smell bad
And those filthy books, you donate to sick children....
DID WE JUMP THE SHARK TONIGHT REPRISE
Did we jump the shark tonight
It seems extremely clear
That CGS will ban our forum now
Our podcast's end is near
Did we jump the shark tonight
There goes our whole career
Will Itunes leave us
In the literature category
Or will we just disappear
They'll all hit unsubscribe now
I think they finally see
The truth about our cast? Impossible!
This simply cannot be
We've really done it this time
We truly crossed the line
They barely took us seriously before now
And this won't change their mind
Did we jump the shark tonight
It seems extremely clear
That CGS will ban our forum now
Our podcast's end is nearrrrrrr
Did we jump the shark tonight
It seems extremely clear
That CGS will ban our forum now
Our podcasts end is here
Did we jump the shark tonight
Why are you still here
If you made it through the entire episode
Our apologies are sincere
Peter:
And if they jump the shark tonight
It can be assumed
Their podcast days with us are history
In short, the X-Cast is doooooomed.
UNCANNY X-CAST RAP
You just tuned into the Uncanny X-Cast
Explore the x-world in the Days of Future Past
With On shelves now, featuring the latest issue
Claremont days in the retro review
Brian P. New Mutant lover, X-vet is in your presence
Not failing to mention his obligatory Cypher reference
Robs back in the mansion, he’s a year in the game
Never let him catch you disrespecting Mammomax’s name
Not a hour, hour half, keep’em two hours long
Need to hear Rob’s cursing, Brian hating Skottie Young
Check the forum for posts on how Rockslide Rocks
Also get the link for Brian’s fic Paradox.
Inside the mansion lighting all from Wolverine to Skids
This show should last forever, forget the wife and kids
Its been two weeks, you need your X-news fast
Click on your mouse, download the Uncanny X-Cast
This post has been edited by Cypher: 22 October 2008 - 07:19 PM
On Shelves Now is "On My Own" from Les Miserables. I let AMac pick whatever song she wanted, then wrote the lyrics to it.
) and I totally missed that.
